DAFFODILS BY THE CROSS

by Gelka Jarrel M. Aput

It was noontime, I finally arrived at the place where special memories had never faded; memories during my childhood. “Look at this place, it changed a lot! The daffodils are grown along the walkway. Does somebody take care of this place now? How did it become so attractive?” After I had this feeling of amazement for this hang-out place we had before, I fell on my knees and the tears, the tears never stopped gushing out of me. All of a sudden, a feeling struck through my emotions, and I felt weak.

It was a good day; I felt the breeze of the summer and the excitement to be with my friends to play outdoor games. I was one of those ordinary kids: cheerful and playful. I was about to ask my parents to go out and play with Billy, when I heard their voices rose like something not right is going on. I quietly sneaked beside the door to see what was happening and listened on their conversation. I saw my mama crying so hardly. She kneeled down desperately begging for my dad to stay. Daddy was busy packing up his things. Daddy was like so certain to leave us, he was never stopped. I was also crying on the corner without knowing the whole story behind this. “I would never forget you Martha, you’ll always be my loveliest daughter, daddy had to leave for some reasons. Always remember, I love you so much. Don’t worry, I would come back soon. Good bye”. These were the words that marked on my mind before he opened the door and left us. When I turned around mom was sobbing and is almost hopeless. I was 7 at this time and still can’t merely understand the incidents.

Mother never showed me how uneasy she was without dad. But despite, she never failed to show me how she loved me so much. She was my mama as well as my best friend. We even hangout to a very solemn place where there is only me and her spending a lot of time of love and laughter. There we pick our favorite flowers: daffodils. It was the place near the lake where fruit trees stands high. She often lifts me to pick fruits I enjoyed eating. There, the wind blew so calmly, I never felt the sun scorching my skin; a perfect place of timeless harmony. It was where we talk both serious and silly matters. That place knows everything. It catches the tears, hears the words we never spoke unless we get there feels the emotions we have deep inside. Whenever I and my mom want to freshen out our minds and do recreation amidst the blues, we do picnic here; lay down on the lush green grass ‘til the sun descends to the west. This memorable place I can never ever forget in my entire life.

As I got mature, I completely knew the whole story, daddy has another love affair. It was heartbreaking to reminisce that I didn’t tried to stop dad at all- a painful thing that scarred my whole life. But, I can’t blame myself, at a tender age of seven, I assumed that I cannot think of these things yet. 8 years had passed but mama still carried the pain. But somehow, I encouraged her to move on, and yet she did, not fully recovered though. Everything was doing well until one night when we were about to lay our back from a hard day’s work… “Hilda! Martha! It’s me, Sonny!” Someone was knocking, it was my dad! He comes back, he told me he will! Although we know how he hurt us before, how he left us in blues, how he let us feel rejected, still, I opened the door wide letting him in. I couldn’t describe how my mama looked like that time, ineffable! For the first time since dad left, she was like a flower that bloomed under the tranquility of the weather. Her strength got into her again. Everything was back. I thought of rejecting daddy too, just like what he did to us years ago, but seeing mama filled with gladness and delight, I cannot do that. I love mama so much, thinking of what she did to me, I cannot repay her with anything. Daddy stepped in to the house, I should believe, he was sincere then. As I said, it was a day of hard work, but that tiresome feeling vanished when we felt the sense of being a family, again. I saw the genuine and heartfelt honesty of dad when he talked, not long after; we all burst out into tears. We believed in him, mama undoubtedly accepted him. Mama said “There’s not a day that I never thought of you Sonny. I always longed for your presence. You know what you did and you know what we’ve been through. Let go of that now, we still love you.” after all, dad did a lot of explaining and we listened. To make this story short, I’ll not be telling the detailed events of how my father died. It was only 2 after since he came, we have to bring him on his grave. It’s so sad to think that we only shared 2 years together as a family in unity and in sincerity, at least we had. Another thing is that we all lost our wealth for his medication and hospitalization. “He just came back to Hilda because he knew she’s gonna take care of him”. That was the gossips we heard. So I thought “Does that mean …? Daddy’s dead already, I’ll not be thinking of that, let his spirit be in silence now”.

I and mama almost got nothing to eat, we lost our wealth. It’s not that we count on daddy, but we need to do something. After a whole time of contemplating for what better things to be done, mama was decisive to go abroad; her friend would help her. It was against my will but what other things can I do? I was once left by my dad, I don’t want that to happen again. The day scheduled for my mama’s flight slowly approaches. So, we spent all times enjoying the company of each other. That place near the lake, we go there almost every day! We got no penny for shopping or travelling, so we have to do it in a simpler way. I was filled with happiness when were together, at the same time of cheerlessness-because I know not long after, she’s gonna leave.. “I’ll not be with you the whole time starting next week, take of yourself. Do not mistakenly think that I’m doing this for myself, Martha, you know that I’m doing this for you. I love you so much!” I cried out after she spoke. “Martha, always remember to … Martha, never forget to … Martha, promise me that …” “I’ll be living you to your aunt Sam, listen to her Ok? We talked about this already”.

The day has finally arrived, and the last words I heard from mama was “I love you so much Martha. All that I am doing now is for your own good, if you feel bad about me, just think that mama’s doing her best for your future. I love you so much dear”. Then she kissed on my forehead.

I learned living a life with my aunt Sam and her family. For the first few years, I can’t adjust to my situation. I miss her of course, but thinking of what mama said, it was for our own good, I helped myself to stand on my own, to be independent and responsible. Every month, she would send me money for my allowance and for all my needs, even for my wants. I loved the life I had that time. I was kind of sassy in school and to be honest, I got everything I wanted. With just a text to mama, the stuff I begged would arrive in a flash. Until such time, mama had no longer connected with us. I was so worried for her and my friends said she might have had forgotten me while she has met her new love there. Why can’t she just talk with me with what her problems are? Why would she choose to hide from us? She went there for me because she loves me. I cannot forget that. I ask Aunt Sam about mama but she’s not responsive. Maybe it’s true, mama forgot me already.  I was so uneasy back then, but why is Aunt Sam not feeling the way I do?  Maybe because I love my mother more than Aunt Sam does. This was the hardest time of my life. I was once rejected by daddy, and now by the only person of my life, my inspiration, my guardian, my everything, my mama! How could she do that to me? I was on the lowest time of my life, of sorrow, hatred and anger, all in one. I was on the deepest trench this time. So this story goes as expected. Not much allowance for school, not much grants for my wants. I was back to the life I originally had before. But here’s what differs now, I hate mama! She left me behind; she was reluctant of leaving me to her sister. Is that what mothers do? I don’t want to see her again, never! I consider her dead.

Aunt Sam was my sentinel in the absence of mama. She was with me through my ups and downs, my peaks and valleys. I guess it took 2 years since my mama rejected me when Aunt Sam had resumed the complete financial support. I never knew she can do that. And, does it really need 2 years for her to realize that she also has to support me financially? Anyway, that’s not a big thing. I’m even glad for that. Aunt Sam provided me with all I needed; ranging from emotional to materialistic matters. “Just tell me all the things you need” she3 said. She even insisted to spend her own money as a help for my wedding expenditures. Wow! She’s got a lot of wealth, I never knew that. I love Aunt Sam so much. I almost forgot that I had a mother who left me.  The anger crawls to my veins again.

I am now married for a week. I’m feeling a sense of fulfillment about this. I am guided by the principle of family oneness in sorrow and in happiness. Not like the acts of daddy and mama, so shameful.  I surprisingly visit aunt Sam in a cold rainy morning. She was surprised. Papers were messed on the floor; she cleaned it in a rush fearing that I might touch the papers. “Let me help you aunt” I said. She shouted “No!” I was shocked and I pretended I was fine in a corner. Aunt Sam is supposed to be soft-spoken. To my curiosity, I followed with my eyes where she put the box of papers she just fastened. “I have an appointment to go Martha, you just stay here alright?” Aunt Sam left so I started sneaking on those. Those were actually letters. As I flipped the envelopes, the dates ranged from 20 years ago to the present and same sender, Hilda Santos, What? I read it one by one. They had a conversation. After all, I just knew that all of these times, I was wondering why Aunt Sam continued to provide all my needs and wants despite the fact that she cannot practically give it, it was because mama never stopped sending it for me. Even that support for my wedding, it was actually from mama, years before my wedding, the money was already prepared. I was unconscious that my tears dropped on the letters and I felt so sorry. I can’t take it anymore. I fell down on the floor. I thought of all the things I was not aware of, and now I fully understand. The last letters had a sender location where we live before. Without a doubt, I went there even if it was actually so far away from where I am this time.

I went to our house where mama was living, alone I guess. I arrived there at noon of the next day. I rushed to see her, I was even crying already. I was so excited and in high spirits to meet her. I decided to say sorry, to talk to her and hug her so tight. I regretted for what I felt for her. Now that I know the truth, I feel so shameful. I want to see mama as soon as possible. I missed her so much. The love did not actually fade,  it was only covered by the anger, hatred and abomination. My love for mama was never lost. That’s the truth. To think, I considered her dead. Am I that kind of daughter? So disgusting. I knocked at the door shrieking like a kid. “Mama! mama! it’s me Martha ”. Someone came to me and handed me a letter. It was Billy, my childhood friend. I opened the letter and it reads,

“Martha my dear, sorry if I have to write this instead of saying this to you. I love you so much! I’m glad that you finally read this. All I did was for your own good. I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to communicate with you for a long time. I know you hated me now. The truth is, I was imprisoned for 2 years because of not being able to renew my visa. After that, I find ways to do something else. I resumed my support for you but it was late when Sam informed me that you hated me so much. She told me everything about you Martha. I can’t blame you for hating me. My dear, I’m so sorry for disconnecting our relationship. I’m so sorry if I just let you live with your Aunt Sam. I am so sorry that I left you. I was so shameful. Just always remember the last words I spoke to you - I love you so much Martha. I was just waiting for the right time for you to know the truth. All that I did was for your own good, if you feel bad about me, just think that mama did her best for your future. I love you so much dear. If you think of me just go to our hang out place. Do you still remember that spot near the lake? I’ll be there, always.”

I had mixed emotions reading the letter. In a rush Billy and I went there to see mama for a very, very long time despite the heavy rain. I felt so sorry. When we finally arrived at the place where special memories had never faded; memories during my childhood. “Look at this place, it changed a lot! The daffodils are grown along the walkway. Does somebody take care of this place now? How did it become so attractive?” After I had this feeling of amazement for this hang-out place we had before, I fell on my knees and the tears, the tears never stopped gushing out of me. All of a sudden, a feeling struck through my emotions, and I felt weak. I saw a large cross surrounded with daffodils and a grave. RIP Hilda Santos. Raindrops fell heavily as I was hopelessly crying and kneeling in front of the cross. I can’t imagine how I was. I could remember that I was holding the letter pressing on my chest. “She got her disease when she was abroad. She was overly working there; she forgot to take care of herself.” Billy said. “Aunt Hilda told us she wanted this as her resting place, she told us this place was full of memories.” “And also, she wanted me to fill the whole area with daffodils.”