DAFFODILS
BY THE CROSS
by Gelka Jarrel M. Aput
It
was noontime, I finally arrived at the place where special memories had never
faded; memories during my childhood. “Look at this place, it changed a lot! The
daffodils are grown along the walkway. Does somebody take care of this place
now? How did it become so attractive?” After I had this feeling of amazement
for this hang-out place we had before, I fell on my knees and the tears, the
tears never stopped gushing out of me. All of a sudden, a feeling struck
through my emotions, and I felt weak.
It
was a good day; I felt the breeze of the summer and the excitement to be with
my friends to play outdoor games. I was one of those ordinary kids: cheerful
and playful. I was about to ask my parents to go out and play with Billy, when
I heard their voices rose like something not right is going on. I quietly
sneaked beside the door to see what was happening and listened on their
conversation. I saw my mama crying so hardly. She kneeled down desperately
begging for my dad to stay. Daddy was busy packing up his things. Daddy was
like so certain to leave us, he was never stopped. I was also crying on the
corner without knowing the whole story behind this. “I would never forget you
Martha, you’ll always be my loveliest daughter, daddy had to leave for some
reasons. Always remember, I love you so much. Don’t worry, I would come back
soon. Good bye”. These were the words that marked on my mind before he opened
the door and left us. When I turned around mom was sobbing and is almost
hopeless. I was 7 at this time and still can’t merely understand the incidents.
Mother
never showed me how uneasy she was without dad. But despite, she never failed
to show me how she loved me so much. She was my mama as well as my best friend.
We even hangout to a very solemn place where there is only me and her spending a
lot of time of love and laughter. There we pick our favorite flowers: daffodils.
It was the place near the lake where fruit trees stands high. She often lifts
me to pick fruits I enjoyed eating. There, the wind blew so calmly, I never
felt the sun scorching my skin; a perfect place of timeless harmony. It was
where we talk both serious and silly matters. That place knows everything. It
catches the tears, hears the words we never spoke unless we get there feels the
emotions we have deep inside. Whenever I and my mom want to freshen out our
minds and do recreation amidst the blues, we do picnic here; lay down on the
lush green grass ‘til the sun descends to the west. This memorable place I can
never ever forget in my entire life.
As
I got mature, I completely knew the whole story, daddy has another love affair.
It was heartbreaking to reminisce that I didn’t tried to stop dad at all- a
painful thing that scarred my whole life. But, I can’t blame myself, at a
tender age of seven, I assumed that I cannot think of these things yet. 8 years
had passed but mama still carried the pain. But somehow, I encouraged her to
move on, and yet she did, not fully recovered though. Everything was doing well
until one night when we were about to lay our back from a hard day’s work…
“Hilda! Martha! It’s me, Sonny!” Someone was knocking, it was my dad! He comes
back, he told me he will! Although we know how he hurt us before, how he left
us in blues, how he let us feel rejected, still, I opened the door wide letting
him in. I couldn’t describe how my mama looked like that time, ineffable! For
the first time since dad left, she was like a flower that bloomed under the
tranquility of the weather. Her strength got into her again. Everything was
back. I thought of rejecting daddy too, just like what he did to us years ago,
but seeing mama filled with gladness and delight, I cannot do that. I love mama
so much, thinking of what she did to me, I cannot repay her with anything.
Daddy stepped in to the house, I should believe, he was sincere then. As I
said, it was a day of hard work, but that tiresome feeling vanished when we
felt the sense of being a family, again. I saw the genuine and heartfelt
honesty of dad when he talked, not long after; we all burst out into tears. We
believed in him, mama undoubtedly accepted him. Mama said “There’s not a day
that I never thought of you Sonny. I always longed for your presence. You know
what you did and you know what we’ve been through. Let go of that now, we still
love you.” after all, dad did a lot of explaining and we listened. To make this
story short, I’ll not be telling the detailed events of how my father died. It
was only 2 after since he came, we have to bring him on his grave. It’s so sad
to think that we only shared 2 years together as a family in unity and in
sincerity, at least we had. Another thing is that we all lost our wealth for
his medication and hospitalization. “He just came back to Hilda because he knew
she’s gonna take care of him”. That was the gossips we heard. So I thought “Does
that mean …? Daddy’s dead already, I’ll not be thinking of that, let his spirit
be in silence now”.
I
and mama almost got nothing to eat, we lost our wealth. It’s not that we count
on daddy, but we need to do something. After a whole time of contemplating for
what better things to be done, mama was decisive to go abroad; her friend would
help her. It was against my will but what other things can I do? I was once
left by my dad, I don’t want that to happen again. The day scheduled for my
mama’s flight slowly approaches. So, we spent all times enjoying the company of
each other. That place near the lake, we go there almost every day! We got no
penny for shopping or travelling, so we have to do it in a simpler way. I was
filled with happiness when were together, at the same time of cheerlessness-because
I know not long after, she’s gonna leave.. “I’ll not be with you the whole time
starting next week, take of yourself. Do not mistakenly think that I’m doing
this for myself, Martha, you know that I’m doing this for you. I love you so
much!” I cried out after she spoke. “Martha, always remember to … Martha, never
forget to … Martha, promise me that …” “I’ll be living you to your aunt Sam,
listen to her Ok? We talked about this already”.
The
day has finally arrived, and the last words I heard from mama was “I love you
so much Martha. All that I am doing now is for your own good, if you feel bad
about me, just think that mama’s doing her best for your future. I love you so
much dear”. Then she kissed on my forehead.
I
learned living a life with my aunt Sam and her family. For the first few years,
I can’t adjust to my situation. I miss her of course, but thinking of what mama
said, it was for our own good, I helped myself to stand on my own, to be
independent and responsible. Every month, she would send me money for my
allowance and for all my needs, even for my wants. I loved the life I had that
time. I was kind of sassy in school and to be honest, I got everything I
wanted. With just a text to mama, the stuff I begged would arrive in a flash.
Until such time, mama had no longer connected with us. I was so worried for her
and my friends said she might have had forgotten me while she has met her new
love there. Why can’t she just talk with me with what her problems are? Why
would she choose to hide from us? She went there for me because she loves me. I
cannot forget that. I ask Aunt Sam about mama but she’s not responsive. Maybe
it’s true, mama forgot me already. I was
so uneasy back then, but why is Aunt Sam not feeling the way I do? Maybe because I love my mother more than Aunt
Sam does. This was the hardest time of my life. I was once rejected by daddy,
and now by the only person of my life, my inspiration, my guardian, my
everything, my mama! How could she do that to me? I was on the lowest time of
my life, of sorrow, hatred and anger, all in one. I was on the deepest trench
this time. So this story goes as expected. Not much allowance for school, not
much grants for my wants. I was back to the life I originally had before. But here’s
what differs now, I hate mama! She left me behind; she was reluctant of leaving
me to her sister. Is that what mothers do? I don’t want to see her again,
never! I consider her dead.
Aunt
Sam was my sentinel in the absence of mama. She was with me through my ups and
downs, my peaks and valleys. I guess it took 2 years since my mama rejected me
when Aunt Sam had resumed the complete financial support. I never knew she can
do that. And, does it really need 2 years for her to realize that she also has
to support me financially? Anyway, that’s not a big thing. I’m even glad for
that. Aunt Sam provided me with all I needed; ranging from emotional to
materialistic matters. “Just tell me all the things you need” she3 said. She
even insisted to spend her own money as a help for my wedding expenditures.
Wow! She’s got a lot of wealth, I never knew that. I love Aunt Sam so much. I
almost forgot that I had a mother who left me. The anger crawls to my veins again.
I
am now married for a week. I’m feeling a sense of fulfillment about this. I am
guided by the principle of family oneness in sorrow and in happiness. Not like
the acts of daddy and mama, so shameful.
I surprisingly visit aunt Sam in a cold rainy morning. She was
surprised. Papers were messed on the floor; she cleaned it in a rush fearing
that I might touch the papers. “Let me help you aunt” I said. She shouted “No!”
I was shocked and I pretended I was fine in a corner. Aunt Sam is supposed to
be soft-spoken. To my curiosity, I followed with my eyes where she put the box
of papers she just fastened. “I have an appointment to go Martha, you just stay
here alright?” Aunt Sam left so I started sneaking on those. Those were
actually letters. As I flipped the envelopes, the dates ranged from 20 years
ago to the present and same sender, Hilda Santos, What? I read it one by one.
They had a conversation. After all, I just knew that all of these times, I was
wondering why Aunt Sam continued to provide all my needs and wants despite the
fact that she cannot practically give it, it was because mama never stopped
sending it for me. Even that support for my wedding, it was actually from mama,
years before my wedding, the money was already prepared. I was unconscious that
my tears dropped on the letters and I felt so sorry. I can’t take it anymore. I
fell down on the floor. I thought of all the things I was not aware of, and now
I fully understand. The last letters had a sender location where we live
before. Without a doubt, I went there even if it was actually so far away from
where I am this time.
I
went to our house where mama was living, alone I guess. I arrived there at noon
of the next day. I rushed to see her, I was even crying already. I was so
excited and in high spirits to meet her. I decided to say sorry, to talk to her
and hug her so tight. I regretted for what I felt for her. Now that I know the
truth, I feel so shameful. I want to see mama as soon as possible. I missed her
so much. The love did not actually fade,
it was only covered by the anger, hatred and abomination. My love for
mama was never lost. That’s the truth. To think, I considered her dead. Am I
that kind of daughter? So disgusting. I knocked at the door shrieking like a
kid. “Mama! mama! it’s me Martha ”. Someone came to me and handed me a letter.
It was Billy, my childhood friend. I opened the letter and it reads,
“Martha
my dear, sorry if I have to write this instead of saying this to you. I love
you so much! I’m glad that you finally read this. All I did was for your own
good. I’m sorry if I wasn’t able to communicate with you for a long time. I
know you hated me now. The truth is, I was imprisoned for 2 years because of
not being able to renew my visa. After that, I find ways to do something else.
I resumed my support for you but it was late when Sam informed me that you
hated me so much. She told me everything about you Martha. I can’t blame you
for hating me. My dear, I’m so sorry for disconnecting our relationship. I’m so
sorry if I just let you live with your Aunt Sam. I am so sorry that I left you.
I was so shameful. Just always remember the last words I spoke to you - I love
you so much Martha. I was just waiting for the right time for you to know the
truth. All that I did was for your own good, if you feel bad about me, just
think that mama did her best for your future. I love you so much dear. If you
think of me just go to our hang out place. Do you still remember that spot near
the lake? I’ll be there, always.”
I
had mixed emotions reading the letter. In a rush Billy and I went there to see
mama for a very, very long time despite the heavy rain. I felt so sorry. When
we finally arrived at the place where special memories had never faded;
memories during my childhood. “Look at this place, it changed a lot! The
daffodils are grown along the walkway. Does somebody take care of this place
now? How did it become so attractive?” After I had this feeling of amazement
for this hang-out place we had before, I fell on my knees and the tears, the
tears never stopped gushing out of me. All of a sudden, a feeling struck
through my emotions, and I felt weak. I saw a large cross surrounded with
daffodils and a grave. RIP Hilda Santos. Raindrops fell heavily as I was
hopelessly crying and kneeling in front of the cross. I can’t imagine how I
was. I could remember that I was holding the letter pressing on my chest. “She
got her disease when she was abroad. She was overly working there; she forgot
to take care of herself.” Billy said. “Aunt Hilda told us she wanted this as
her resting place, she told us this place was full of memories.” “And also, she
wanted me to fill the whole area with daffodils.”
